Some of the Greatest Military Jokes

Time

Air Force Stn Lohegaon shares its runway with the civil aviation. One day the ATC tower at Lohegaon received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who wants a time check?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

If it is an Indian Airlines flight, it is 3 O'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3".

Girlfriend

A soldier at the border received a letter from his girlfriend back home:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

-Ricky

Moral of the story: If you can't change your fate, change your Attitude.

The Field Telephone

Once there was a newly commissioned officer. One day he went to the Long Range and was just checking out the area when all of a sudden he thought of calling his girlfriend. He ran to the desk to ring her and was greatly relieved not to find anyone on duty. This officer was about to make the call when suddenly the phone rang.

Rrriinggggggggggggg!!!

He ignored

Rrrringgggggggggggggggggg!!

He ignored again

Rrrriinnggggggggggggggg!!

He got irritated and picked up the reciever and the following conversation took place:

Officer: Whats wrong with u a$$hole?

(It was Base Cdr calling )

Base Cdr: (Stunned!) Do you know who I am?

Officer: No! Who are you?

Base Cdr: This is Base Cdr speaking!

(The new officer was a quick witted type)

Officer: Do you know who I am?

Base Cdr: No !

Officer: Thanks!

...and ran away.

World War II

It's war time, the Battle of Britain is raging and the War Office decide that the pilots morale needs to be kept high so they come up with a plan for the pilots to take a break now and then to spend some time with the fine young ladies of the aristocracy at evening get-togethers.

Of course, no unseemly business must be allowed, so chaperoned by some of the military bigiwgs, the young ladies are assured only the most civilised behaviour.

At one such do, young Paddy is delighting a group of sparkling debutantes, who are quite taken by his strong good looks, and strong good Irish brogue. As his Wing Commander is passing the little group, he catches Paddy describing his daring escape from attack in the sky, saying "And just as Oi was sweating that Oi'd never have enough fuel to get back, these three Fokkers come swooping down on me!"

Fearful the young ladies would misinterpret the Fokker aircraft for Paddy's legendary sprinkling of the language with expletives, he stepped in to make an explanation to protect their sensibilities.

"If I may, Paddy, ladies. A Fokker is one of the finest aircraft operated by the Luftwaffe, and as Paddy is saying, they do tend to give us in the RAF a lot of trouble in this conflict. Thank you Paddy, you may go on."

"Oh yes indeed Sor," says Paddy, "The Fokker truly is a great machine and all. But these particular fokkers were Messerschmidts."

The General on Radio

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio(NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

INTERVIEWER: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

INTERVIEWER: " But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended!

Work or Pleasure?

Two Majors are in the field area arguing.

The first Major says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure.

The second Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work.

They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.

He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it!"

Medal of Honour

Two soldiers were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

The Military Chain of Command

THE CO TO THE 2IC: At nine o'clock tomorrow there, will be an eclipse of the sun, something which does not occur every day. Get the men to fall out in the company street in their fatigues so that they will be able to see this rare phenomenon. Should it rain we will not be able to see anything, so take the men to the gym.

THE 2IC TO THE ADJUTANT: By order of the CO, tomorrow at nine o'clock, there will be an eclipse of the Sun; if it rains, you will not be able to see it from the company street, so then, take the men in fatigues to the gym. The eclipse of the Sun will take place in the gym, something that does not occur every day.

THE ADJUTANT TO THE JUNIORMOST OFFICER: By order of the CO in fatigues tomorrow at nine o'clock in the morning the inauguration of the eclipse of the sun will take place in the gym. The CO will give the order if it should rain, something which occurs every day.

THE JUNIORMOST OFFICER TO THE SENIOR JCO: Tomorrow at nine o'clock the CO in fatigues will eclipse the Sun in the gym, as it occurs every day. If it is a nice day you will fall out in the company street.

THE SENIOR JCO TO THE CHM: Tomorrow at nine the eclipse of the CO in fatigues will take place because of the Sun. If it rains in the gym, something which does not take place every day, you will fall out in the company street.

COMMENTS AMONG THE PRIVATES: Tomorrow, if it rains, it looks as if the Sun will eclipse the CO in the gym. It is a shame that this does not occur every day.

Excerpts from my first Blue Book (Flying Diary)

Week 1
Monday: Met announced a prolonged spell of bad Wx condition. Went back to studying the FRC's and Pilot Notes.
Tuesday: Rain. Surprise Gen Test on airfield procedures and emergency actions. Within an hour we all were hanging upside down and then started cream-rolling. Ouch!
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either. Rig check up. Some more cream-rolling followed by endless runs of touch and back.
Thursday: Met declared Friday good for flying. Instructor and Flight Cdr asked all of us to have lunch and report for flying. Entire Squadron pounced on us for 'light exercise'.

Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch. After landing came back to hangar rolling from the cockpit. That was funny!
Saturday: Flight Cdr took our happiness in real fauji style! Hehehehe! We all gave our sweat and blood to the tarmac. By the end of it, my Sqn apron was shining!

Week 2
Monday: My buddy and I were fooling around with a parked aircraft inside the hangar and managed to set off the ejection system. Things went out flying crazily in all directions. We got jacked back in the Sqn. They call us the 'Ejection Boys' now!

Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates it when I call instruments as "GADGETS". Got my visor and oxygen mask broken due to 'vital actions' carried by the Instructor during approach.
Wednesday: R/T is always garbled or the radios won't pick up on the alloted frequency. So I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned Rate 1 bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment. Hehe! Loved it!
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.

Saturday: Time for the weekely Bajax session. I loved it!

Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop doing steep turns. He said I had to have permission for inverted flight as I have not been cleared for aerobatics yet.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was too loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha --progress! Yippee!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did a good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick up the swimming pool as point again when lady officers are undergoing their swimming classification test.
Friday: Did circuit work. Instructor said that if downwind, baseleg and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise! I have started liking it now.

Saturday: Special gift of Love from the Commandant - we got to see the moon, the stars and the lovely sky at night-time!

Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the Il-76 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He made a 'Flying Maharaja' out of me! We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Aircraft cowl number Two Nine Seven One will be out of the T&SS Hangar (workshop) in three days when the new strut and tyre arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio masts and Radar towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.

Saturday: We were ordered to flatten out the grass next to the runway shoulder. Some of us wondered where the heck did the airfield maintenance tractors go?

-X-

Did I do anything wrong, duh?

Voyage d'aventure

05 Jan 2008, 1907 Hrs.

The last few days have gone by in a blur for me. I got involved in a lot many things and many a times, it became a tad bit too tiresome. Thank God that it is all over now.

Tonight, I am setting out for yet another adventure which will take me through the jungles, across valleys, over the mountains, through thr mighty rivers to the wonderful sights and magnificient natural beauty of India. The next three months I will be living off my rucksack. I am going out on an adventure trip.

I am very excited about this trip not only because I am going for an adventure trip after almost a year but also because I will be meeting a lot of my coursemates, friends and a few long lost pals with whom I managed to re-establish contact after many many years.

One of my closest pals from school days is posted in Udhampur and I will be paying him a surprise visit. The bugger has no idea that I will be crashlanding at his place! LOL!

Just like all my previous trips, I will try and make this one as adventurous as possible. Though for a major portion of my trip I will be having the company of a few good men and women :) , there are points wherein I will be doing the travelling all alone. I will be using a variety of transport mediums - bus, train, boat, aircraft etc. I have also made a conscious decision not to carry my SLR camera along as this time I truely want to enjoy the adventure without feeling the urge to capture the moment through the lens. I know that it is a good practice to click photographs for the sake of nostalgic memories but hey, I live in the present and not in the past and so let me try out this thing too. Incidentally, I happen to be a photography aficionado and it sure will be difficult for me not to feel the need to click photographs.

This brings us to the end of this post. As I will be gone for a while, there won't be much activity here. However, I will surely be updating my stuff the moment I am back. So please do keep visiting my blog and do let me know in case you need a picture postcard of the wonderful places I will be visiting! LOL!

Adios!

Flight Simulator

For all the wannabe Aviators and those passionate about flying, here is a cool tool to take you through the paces. Click on the picture below to find out what it is like to be in the cockpit.

Enjoy your sortie!

2008

Seasons Greetings
&
Best Wishes
For a Vibrant and Prosperous
2008

On 01 Jan 1983, TCP/IP first came into existence. Today, as we celebrate the 25th milestone of the invention that directly led us to the Internet, it indeed feels great to be able to witness such a phenomenal moment.

Silver jubilee's have always been a source of inspiration to millions of people. In the technological domain, every developer looks forward to his golden sunset when he can bask in the aura of his invention having lasted a quarter century of existence.

01 Jan 2008 will in all probability go down in the history of the Internet as one of the golden days not only due to the silver jubilee celebration of TCP/IP but also because what has happened in the preceding two years. If 2006 was the year of Web 2.0, 2007 became the year of the You Tube. Any guess for what 2008 will be? My take is that Social Networking will become the biggest buzzword on the Internet in 2008.

People have been hankering about Facebook but the way I look at it, it doesn't interest me a wee bit. I like the Google Technology at work in Orkut and I'll bet my money on it. Ever tried Virtual Life existence? If not, then go get your presence registered on Second Life. You can find me there under the moniker Raymaker.

2008 has started and Google ushered in the New Year by putting up a doodle of the TCP/IP invention on its page. Way to go Google. I love you people out there.

Coming over to my hopes and expectations, well, there are dime a dozen things which I plan to accomplish in 2008. Though I am not the kinds who makes a New Year resolution but, just like 2007, I wish to achieve all that I dream about in life.

Here's wishing everybody the very best in 2008.

God bless ya all.

Semper Fidelis

2007 is coming to an end. Another few hours and we will be in a new year. What 2008 has in store, nobody can predict, it is something that only time will tell. However, basing my prediction on what happened in 2007, I guess it is safe to assume that 2008 will be an exciting year.

The year gone by has been a good one. Many things happened, some for the very first time. I got involved in a million different things, met people from all walks of life, experienced various different dimensions and enjoyed it all big time.

As always, there are way too many memories clouding my mind - some good, some bad, some delightfully beautiful while some downright atrocious.

I also met lots of nice people and some not so nice people. Some of them became a part of my life while the others blurred into obscurity.

2007 came with a lot many surprises. The biggest surprise has been the phase shift in my life. Change is good and I truely believe that nothing is permanent except change.

As I log out from 2007, here's wishing everybody reading this blog the very best in their lives. Go people, go touch the sky with glory. There is nothing impossible in this world. Dream, execute and reach your destination.

Semper Fidelis!

The "T" Factor

Tanya called up in the morning, way too early in the morning - 0330 Hrs. She pulled me out of the cozy comfort of my warm blanket. 0350 Hrs saw me standing on the main road, waiting for her to pick me up.

It was freezing cold today morning with a big fog cover hogging the ground. A cold wind was blowing through the trees and thank God for the MES, the street lights were all working. Seems like the AGE (E&M) has pulled up his boys before the New Year.

Tanya had got her car & the moment I entered it, a high db blast of Jim Morrison hit me. Nothing could have been better than hearing The Doors sing Light My Fire on such a cold, wintry morning. Something was amiss, Tanya listening to The Doors and not Led Zeppelin and that too so early in the morning was a bit strange. But then, I have never been able to understand her quirky nature. She is as crazy as it gets!

It was still pitch dark though the MES lights were throwing up haunted shadows through the fog cover. Tanya didn't tell me where we were headed, she just kept on in her sing-along voice. I was mighty pleased that she'd got some eatables and that quintessential of all fauji drinks - Rum and garam paani. If you haven't tried this combination, then do try it out. The Olive Greens, the Snow Whites and the Mighty Blues swear by this heavenly concoction!

We criss-crossed the Cantonment, through a few back roads which I'd never been to before and traveled up the nearby mountains. I heard the sound of booming guns and gave a quizzical look to Tanya. She just shrugged it off and lit up her saviour - Mr Gordon Light aka Gudan Garam. Now that was a heady mix of Mr Old Monk and Mr Gordon Light. Intensity personified.

After traveling a lot of clicks, we finally stopped at the foothills of the mountain. We got down the car and started climbing up through the dirt track that lead to the top. We took about half an hour to climb all the way to the top. Mr Gordon Light was firmly entrenched in her fingers and Tanya made a very dramatic pose on the hilltop.

The first rays of light had started showing up. The entire space was still dark but there was the faint eerie outline of dawn that I find really groovy.

I suddenly realised that we were not alone. There was that distant booming of gunfire yet again though I couldn't locate it with my eyes. Suddenly, Tanya tugged at my arms and directed my sight towards the NW. There, many clicks away, I saw the darkness getting pierced by tongues of flame.

We were on a hilltop, overlooking the Long Range and those orange-red coloured flames were coming out from the barrels of heated up guns. The chaps were doing their zeroing-in and calibration before their move to their KLP for the next few months.

2007 couldn't have ended on a better note. I was on a mountaintop with Tanya - my buddy, my closest friend, co-conspirator and accomplice in many crimes, enjoying a cold wintry morning and towering flames of lights piercing the darkness of the dawn. It was just the both of us out there and the AAD chaps at the Long Range. It was a very magical moment, something that I will always cherish for the rest of my life.

I don't need to say this but for the record, thanks Tanya for your crazy eccentricities! I would love to see you take the Point on our next expedition in Feb 2008.

N.B. - For all those wondering as to why I have put up this picture over here, well, the reason is known to those who know the reason well. LOL!

Aksshe Shatrun Jahi.

Signals - The Nervecentre of Warfare

Control of the battle has always been the concern of commanders down the ages and whoever could exert better control over his own forces and impress his will on his men won. When the armies were small and the distances relatively small, messengers on foot or on horseback sufficed. However, as the battlefields stretched out and the size of the armies increased, such means no longer sufficed. The coming of the artillery also underscored the importance of communications. Necessity being the mother of invention, such changes in the battlefield drove the evolution of the Signals and gave the Corps its unique place in the armies the world over. Signals are essentially the nerves of the Army. The Generals, being the brains of the Army, receive inputs from the troops in contact and from other sources through the Signals. These inputs are processed at the headquarters and converted into action plans. It again falls on the Signals to convey these operational plans to the troops who are to execute them. Feedback on execution gets conveyed back and the battle progresses. It is therefore obvious that the Signals are intimately intertwined in all aspects of the functioning of the army both in war and in peace and are present at all levels and at all places.

Army Radio Engineered Network (AREN): This indigenously conceived area grid radio communication system for the field formations launched more than a decade ago has since grown into a potent tool for the commanders to exercise command & control and automated interoperable information and decision support systems in their area of responsibility.

Army Static Switched Communication Network (ASCON): The ASCON was evolved to integrate the telecommunication infrastructure of the hinterland with the tactical communication networks. It is a digital, fully automated, secure, reliable and survivable static communication system based on microwave radio, optical fibre cable, satellite and milli-metric wave communication equipments. Value added services such as Fax, Telex, data transfer and video are also available to the defence users on this network. The ASCON network is currently being expanded to include all army commands and areas in eastern India and also finalising plans for future expansion of the network. In addition, ASCON's existing microwave links are being replaced with optical fibre cable for increased reliability in communication.

Troposcatter Communication Systems: The Corps of Signals have harnessed the potential of troposcatter communications basically to meet the requirements of mechanised formations operating in rapidly changing tactical environments and for responsive & quickly deployable mobile systems to provide cross linkages and integration with the communication networks in the tactical zones. The digital mobile troposcatter systems are operated by specialized signal groups.

Satellite Communication (SATCOM): Conventional communication systems derived over field & permanent lines and radios could not be satisfactorily established over mountainous and snow-clad areas of borders in India. Hence the Corps has developed expertise and are already exploiting the latest facilities available by using INMARSAT, INSAT, LCTs and ECTs in the low-intensity conflict areas. INMARSAT has been used by the Corps of Signals units deputed for service in Somalia, Rwanda, Mozambique, Cambodia and Angola.

Computer Data Networks: The Corps of Signals has done pioneering work in spreading computer literacy in the Indian Army since the 1960s. Right now the Corps is providing the pivotal role and infrastructure in exploiting Information Technology (IT) for data communications, weapon control and management systems. This fast proliferation of IT is providing an ideal incentive to the IT specialists for both graduates and post-graduates.

Electronic Warfare: This has become one of the most potent force multipliers and a technologically challenging field in which the Corps has developed tremendous expertise. EW has played a stellar role in anti-insurgency and low intensity conflict operations besides the conventional operations conducted earlier in Sri Lanka and recently in Kargil.

Information Technology: In the thrust of the Indian Army to usher into an era of acquiring maximum dividends from IT, the Corps of Signals is the torch bearer and facilitator. Fully automated offices with minimum paper work, improved response timings, fast information dissemination systems, hierarchical management information systems at all levels are some of the areas of thrust.

Static Peacetime Communications: Signals is providing standard subscriber communication services to the Army during peace time by way of telephone, telex, fax, e-mail, voice-mail and data transfer by establishing state-of-art communication systems and networks.

Automatic Message Switching / Handling Systems (AMSS): The Corps is also using a computerised AMSS for handling the high volume message traffic of the Army. This is network connecting the hierarchical nodes where the army formations are deployed.

Blogging In Photographs

Starting upon a new thread on photography, an all consuming passion of mine. I plan to put up some of the craziest pictures that ever came out a photographers camera.

1. How Narayana Murthy reached the top with Infosys!

2. C-130 crash in Iraq - Classic case of why NOTAM's are important.

3. C-130 crash in Iraq - Birds eye perspective.

4. Thunderbird Ejection - An Aviators dream turned into horror.

5. Bird Hit - Is that Tandoori Chicken by any chance :)

6. The Special Forces Club at Phu Bai - Picture from another era (Vietnam War).

If Aviators Became Directors...

711

Aa Ab Loop Marein

Aerodynamics Koi Khel Nahi

Go Round Kiya To Darna Kya

Hamari FRC Apke Paas Hai

Jaanam Fly Karo

Kabhi Spin Kabhi Eject

Landing Ho Naa Ho

Maine Bees Rupaye Ka Form Kyu Bhara

Mi Wale Congo Jayenge